Today when I went on a walk with my dog and I thought about something. In Germany when you have a dog you have to pick up his or her poop with a plastic bag and throw it away so no one steps in it. While doing this I thought about how nice it would be if someone would pick up my shit and throw it away for me. Ok I know how this sounds but let me explain.
I do not mean it literally I am not that crazy yet… I mean it as a metaphor. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had someone who would pick up your worries, fears and anything else that holds you back and just throw it away for you. For me that would be a dream come true.
I hate it if I hold myself back. I hate it when I lay in bed hating myself for everything I did that day even if I didn’t do anything bad. I hate it when I feel like everyone hates me for who I am. I hate it when I hate myself and I hate it that I hate so much about me because I want to be confident. I know that my life is amazing and that I can be proud of how much I changed and reached and yet I can’t be truly happy. Why?
I feel like what happened in the past still holds me back. That is why I whish there would be someone who picks all of this up, puts it in a plastic bag and throws it away. I can’t change the past and even if there were times where I didn’t want to keep fighting anymore, where I was so close to giving up they are over and those bad times are who made me what I am now.
I am proud of myself, I mostly like myself the way I am now and yet every night I feel bad. It is weird how confident I can be and a couple of seconds later I am insecure again. When I see those who hurt me so bad I still tighten inside and often I even feel fear for no reason. They don’t know how much they hurt me and they probably never will. They would probably still do the same if I would still be stuck with them in school. Sometimes I wish I could tell them how I feel but they wouldn’t care and they are not worth caring about.
Maybe I should pick all of it up myself and throw it away to free myself from it but I am not strong enough.
Just a blank space