My insecurities

So it is half past midnight right now and considering that I got up at 5 am this morning and was tired all day I am pretty surprised I am still not asleep. I told you guys that I love twenty one pilots and I was just watching interviews of them on YouTube. In one of them Tyler explained what the album blurry face is about. He said it is about a characters insecurities and how he deals with it. This made me think about my own insecurities.

Whatever I do I always feel like I am not good enough. Whenever I post something on my blog I am like: Well this was a good Idea but my style of writing is horrible. When I play the piano I always get upset because I wish I would be better in it. The same with my hand lettering. I know I improved a lot in it and I am learning it day by day. A lot of you say it is awesome which makes me happy but deep inside I still think I am horrible at it. I don’t even know why. I love to write meaningful lyrics but it still makes me feel bad because they never turn out as good as I want them to be and I can’t compose which frustrates me a lot. I feel like I am not good in anything.

I also feel like I am not able to trust teenagers my age. I don’t know but I always feel like if I tell someone how I feel or what I think they turn back on me or make fun of me. A lot of times I don’t feel comfortable being around same aged teenagers because I am always afraid they will laugh at me, say something hurtful or just hate me. This actually has gotten better in the last year since I am not around the kids who bullied me but it still annoys me that I always feel that insecure and misunderstood.

The same thing with boys. I just can’t trust them. I am sixteen and never had a boyfriend. I don’t really care about that but what upsets me is something else. I think in seventh grade some of my classmates thought it would be a fun Idea to write me a love letter from a secret admirer and then they made fun of me because of this letter. Since that day whenever a boy compliments me or I am around boys which I am not really friends with I always feel like they are making fun of me. I don’t even get bullied anymore but I still have those voices in my head screaming that everyone hates me.

Lets talk about beanies. I am obsessed with them. I probably own more than thirty beanies by now.  A couple years ago I had short hair and some people would make fun of me because of it or called me a “wanna be boy” which bothered me a lot. Everyone seemed to judge me because of my looks so I started to wear beanies and hide my hair under them. Even I have long hair now I still do that a lot. I feel way more comfortable and confident when I wear something on my head. Is that strange?

Don’t get me wrong. I actually love my life right now and I am not being bullied anymore but those things are still bothering me. I think the message you can get out of this late night post is that bullying is horrible. It still affects you even if you are not bullied anymore. I know I have written a post about the things I only did because I got bullied, about the fight that made me stronger and how everything turned out fine for me but the points above still bother me a lot and I hate myself for it because I think there is no point in feeling that way.

Lots of Love and keep fighting

Just A Blank Space

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7 thoughts on “My insecurities

  1. I know what its like to be bullied and feel misunderstood and that every time someone is nice to you, you have a feeling in the back of your mind that they are lying and just mocking you. I used to have short hair too, I used to wear boys clothes, I hated make up, all my friends were boys and I was constantly picked on for this and for being who I am. So I changed myself and became more girly even if that wasn’t the best thing to do. And when they stopped bullying me for that, they picked on me for my thinness, my uglyness, my shyness. I soon learnt that these people won’t stop at anything to make someone who is different feel bad about themselves, but what you gotta do is stop caring about what others think of you. They have left you with insecurities, and the same happened with me, and its great that you are gradually getting over them. Just know that it is still ok to be insecure about certain things and not trust teenagers and whatnot – you have been through a lot and it takes a long time to recover. But one day you will recover, trust me, and you can show those bullies that not only are you now are stronger, happier person, you are able to accept your insecurities which is clearly something they can’t do or else they wouldn’t have become bullies in the first place. Sorry for the huge comment 😂 hope you are ok! 😂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey, I can relate to a lot of this and think your honesty is great. I had a similar thing happen to me with a love letter – twice actually, and I have the same kind of mistrust. I also struggle with similar thoughts that no matter I do I’m not good enough and compliments makes it worse. And that fear of people rejecting me if I tell them my real thoughts and feelings. But as I’ve blogged over the years and revealed more of this kind of stuff, I’ve found so many people who can relate and who accept me anyway. Love it! You’re awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

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