So it is half past midnight right now and considering that I got up at 5 am this morning and was tired all day I am pretty surprised I am still not asleep. I told you guys that I love twenty one pilots and I was just watching interviews of them on YouTube. In one of them Tyler explained what the album blurry face is about. He said it is about a characters insecurities and how he deals with it. This made me think about my own insecurities.
Whatever I do I always feel like I am not good enough. Whenever I post something on my blog I am like: Well this was a good Idea but my style of writing is horrible. When I play the piano I always get upset because I wish I would be better in it. The same with my hand lettering. I know I improved a lot in it and I am learning it day by day. A lot of you say it is awesome which makes me happy but deep inside I still think I am horrible at it. I don’t even know why. I love to write meaningful lyrics but it still makes me feel bad because they never turn out as good as I want them to be and I can’t compose which frustrates me a lot. I feel like I am not good in anything.
I also feel like I am not able to trust teenagers my age. I don’t know but I always feel like if I tell someone how I feel or what I think they turn back on me or make fun of me. A lot of times I don’t feel comfortable being around same aged teenagers because I am always afraid they will laugh at me, say something hurtful or just hate me. This actually has gotten better in the last year since I am not around the kids who bullied me but it still annoys me that I always feel that insecure and misunderstood.
The same thing with boys. I just can’t trust them. I am sixteen and never had a boyfriend. I don’t really care about that but what upsets me is something else. I think in seventh grade some of my classmates thought it would be a fun Idea to write me a love letter from a secret admirer and then they made fun of me because of this letter. Since that day whenever a boy compliments me or I am around boys which I am not really friends with I always feel like they are making fun of me. I don’t even get bullied anymore but I still have those voices in my head screaming that everyone hates me.
Lets talk about beanies. I am obsessed with them. I probably own more than thirty beanies by now. A couple years ago I had short hair and some people would make fun of me because of it or called me a “wanna be boy” which bothered me a lot. Everyone seemed to judge me because of my looks so I started to wear beanies and hide my hair under them. Even I have long hair now I still do that a lot. I feel way more comfortable and confident when I wear something on my head. Is that strange?
Don’t get me wrong. I actually love my life right now and I am not being bullied anymore but those things are still bothering me. I think the message you can get out of this late night post is that bullying is horrible. It still affects you even if you are not bullied anymore. I know I have written a post about the things I only did because I got bullied, about the fight that made me stronger and how everything turned out fine for me but the points above still bother me a lot and I hate myself for it because I think there is no point in feeling that way.
Lots of Love and keep fighting
Just A Blank Space