For some reason I find myself in a spot where I hate everyone in school and where I want to be left alone more and more. I don’t know why this is happening because my classmates now are way more nice that my old once. But somehow I feel like I just don’t belong with them. I don’t care about their stupid little problems, I am annoyed of them because they can’t even do anything alone and I just feel like I life in a complete different world like them. All they care about is the way they look and who is boyfriend and girlfriend. Sure I am one year older than most of them but that is not that big of a difference. Sometimes I blame it on my exchange year. It made me much more independent then all of them are and showed me what is really important. I wish they would just leave me alone when I sit there on my own and think.
Last Friday I was reading and some boys thought it would be funny to take away my book, my journal and my pencil case. They made fun of it because I am reading a old book with poems and short stories and because they don’t understand why I write. I was annoyed by them and tried to get my stuff back and then one of them said I shouldn’t be so depressive and that I should take antidepressant. I almost freaked out. They have no clue what depression really is and how my dad is suffering from it. They don’t have a dad who tells them he thinks he is not going survive the day when he wakes up or who tells them he doesn’t want to keep fighting anymore. They don’t have to hold their dad and tell him that it will get better as long as he doesn’t give up. They didn’t have a mom who was sleeping all day and freaking out about almost everything because she was suffering from depression when they were in fifth grade.
Maybe I just want to be alone in school because when I am home I all I do is worry about my dad. Seeing him suffer hurts me so much and it shows me how lucky I am to have him in my life everyday but it also reminds me that I will loose my parents one day and there is nothing I am more afraid of than that day.
I just wish they would grow up or at least leave me alone with their childish behavior.
Just A Blank Space