I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately and all the weight is slowly crushing me. I worry about things I don’t have to worry about, I make other people’s problems my own, I blame myself for things that are not my fault, and all of this is holding me back.
Today I finally talked about it. I originally wanted to talk about my exam nerves but the person I talked to and I ended up talking about a lot more. I talked about all the things on my mind I have been hiding in the back because saying them out loud and even writing them down seemed wrong. It was hard and yes, I did cry but in the end, I learned a lot about myself.
Talking it out loud was the right thing to do. I always felt like I had no one to tell all of it to but now that I do I feel like the weight on my shoulders has gotten smaller.
Things have to change and I am willing to work for them to do so.
I am going insane and sometimes I think I can’t handle it any longer. The current and the following school year are really important for me because I am doing my Abitur, which is kind of like A-Levels.
I expect a lot of myself. More than anyone else does. After every exam, I feel bad. I feel like I could have studied more and I feel like I didn’t do good. I always expect the worse to come.
I took three exams this year after which I was pretty sure I failed. While I was writing them I felt like all my answers are wrong but I don’t know the correct ones. Turns out I got an A- in all of them and they are some of my best exams.
But even after getting an exam back I still feel like I did bad. For some reason, my brain is convinced that I am doing badly. I keep checking on my grades again and again because I can’t believe they are actually good. Sometimes I doubt myself for reading them correctly.
My grades are better than ever. I am probably in the top quarter of my grade. Except for one presentation, that I messed up, I don’t have a worse grade than a B- which is freaking good. I am always above the average.
We’ll get our report cards on January 31st and for some reason, I expect really bad grades. I always think I am suddenly going to wake up from a dream and find out I’m actually failing.
Every night before I fall asleep I make up stories in my mind. It helps me to calm down and stop thinking about the things that keep me awake. Usually, the stories consist of things that could have happened to me in the past or that could happen in the future but since August I have been thinking about a story that has nothing to do with me and I fell in love with it. This is why I decided to write it down. I really believed I could turn it into a book and I really wanted to but since I started to write it down it doesn’t seem good enough anymore.
I have been struggling with the feeling of not being good enough for a while now. Most of my friends are graduating this year and they all know what they will do next while I have no Idea what I want to do after school. I am now at a point where I have to start thinking about that and I would love to turn any of my hobbies into my job. For years I have been thinking about becoming a journalist and I have always been dreaming of becoming an author but I figured I am not good enough at writing to do so. I thought about doing something creative but I feel like my lettering and my doodles are not good enough to do that either.
This school year I have been working my butt off to get good grades and my grades are better than ever. I am doing really good but I still feel like it is not good enough. Nothing I do seems good enough. Not even blogging. The only thing I can really picture myself doing after school is blogging but I don’t think I am actually good enough to ever turn my passion into my job.
My parents and a lot of my friends always tell me how good I am at what I do but I just can’t believe them. Whenever anyone comments on a post telling me that what I do is really good I can’t believe it because for me it feels like nothing I do is good enough.
I tried to open up about this to my parents and they always tell me how proud they are but that still doesn’t change how I feel. Will I ever feel good enough?
There are so many things I want to write about but I just can’t form them into words. For the last couple of months many things happened. I wanted to write about them but it just didn’t seem right. I tried to form the words in my head but I couldn’t.
The stress and problems with my english teacher, the pressure I put on myself because I want to get good grades, me not having any clue about what I want to do after I graduate next year and whole situation at home with my parents. Especially this one fight of them. They never got into a fight like this before. For a moment I thought that this was it. That they are never going to talk again. Luckily that didn’t happen but the fight seems to be stuck in my head. It haunts me. Whenever I hear my parents talk it comes back. I have never been this afraid to lose them.
I wanted to write about all of this right after it happened but I just couldn’t write it down. It still seems wrong right now. I feel like I can’t find the right words.
All of this makes it sound like I have a horrible life, which I don’t. There are many moments in which I feel nothing but happiness. In which everything seems perfect and in which I am thankful for all the things I have.
I don’t know why but I for some reason I am not able to write about all of this. It used to be so easy and I would write everyday but now I just keep staring at blank pages for hours. Maybe I am running out of words.
Tomorrow I will go and take my theoretical drivers test again. Last time I failed. From the beginning I was afraid that might happen so I tried to wait as long as I could until I had to go. Even if I studied I failed the first time. I guess I was so nervous I forgot everything.
This time I studied even more but I am still afraid I will fail again. I don’t know what will happen if I do. I am pretty sure I won’t be able to hold back the tears this time. With my drivers test I feel like it is like Latin. I can study as much as I can but because I am afraid to fail I do fail.
I am afraid of what will happen tomorrow and that is probably the worse thing I could be right now.
It’s been way too long since I blogged the last time but neither my laptop or my phone have been fixed yet. Because of that I haven’t come around to blog lately but what I want to talk about today just needs to get out of my head.
On Thursday we got to watch the movie of how me and my classmates crossed the alps and it was awesome. It was such a good time and looking back to all the things we did and remember them was fun but it also showed me how much I miss traveling.
I’ve been back to school for only one week and I already feel like I am caught in a wrong life. There are so many things I want to do but I can’t do them because of either school or money. Back during my time in the US I lived my dream. There was something exciting in almost every day and during summer I got to do a lot of fun things.
What makes me feel like this too is the fact that I really need to start to think about my future. A lot of people ask me what I want to do but all I know is that I want to keep blogging. It’s the only thing I can picture myself doing in the future except for traveling.
I want to see the word, meet new people and get to know as many different cultures as possible. I want to go on different adventures, try to do something new, something crazy or completely different and I want to see new places. I also want to write about all of those things, get inspired.
And I know that all of this is just a dream because in reality nothing goes the way you want it. I already got one dream to become true. I did something no one ever expected me to do including myself. I don’t think something like that will ever happen again.
Lots of Love
Just A Blank Space
Thank you for the huge respond to the blogging book. Although a lot of you seemed to like the idea I only got two people participating yet. Don’t forget to enter or we won’t be able to do it !!!