Yesterday something happened I never ever expected to happen in my life. I was texting with my friend. We were talking about school when he just randomly dropped this:
By the way ________(insert name here) said, that you are the coolest girl in our grade. But don’t tell anyone.
This might not be anything special for you but this might be one of the best texts, someone send to me, ever. Why? Because before I decided to take a year off school to spend a year on an american high school I was in a different grade. In my old grade I was the looser. I got bullied and I came home crying almost every day. It wasn’t until ninth grade until I found some friends and I left the following year.
Since the first day back in school in Germany I felt so much better. I felt welcomed in my new grade and quickly found new friends. My grades went up and I was more relieved that ever, because my biggest fear of coming home was, that no one would like me in my new grade too. And now someone thinks I am cool.
That’s a change I never expected to happen and knowing that it did makes me happier than ever.
I’ve changed, the people around me changed, my life changed. There’s still good change in this world. All you have to do is keep fighting for it. Looking back to who I was three years ago and who I am today makes me even more proud of who I have become. I am stronger than ever and I am cool. Deal with that me from the past.
Lots of Love
Just A Blank Space
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Today I did something I never expected myself to do and I feel really good about it. If you have been following my blog for a while you might have read about how insecure I am about my hair.
In fourth grade, I cut off my hair. Before that, I used to have really long hair but after cutting it, it barely reached my chin.I think it wasn’t until fifth or maybe seventh grade when people in school started to make fun of my hair. I was bullied before and let’s say I had no self-esteem back then. What people said really hurt me. I started hiding my hair underneath a beanie and let it grow longer until to the point it was really long again.
I still didn’t like my hair and continued hiding my hair. I don’t know why but my long hair just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like me. I have been thinking of cutting it off for so long but I was afraid of really doing it. Last time when I went to get a haircut I was confident to do it but in the end, I was too afraid and just cut off my split ends.
I still wasn’t happy with my hair and I still kept thinking of finally cutting it off. Guess what? I went to get a haircut today and I DID IT!!!!!!! This time, I went to just cut off my split ends but I ended up with finally cutting off my hair. I didn’t think about what others would think. The only thig I thought off was how much I wanted it. It is not as short as it used to be. It barely reaches my shoulder. I think I cut off at least 15cm.
I love my new haircut and I feel so happy whenever I look in the mirror. I finally feel like myself. It still feels a little weird though because I was used to the long hair but it fills me up with happiness. Also, the reaction of my parents was priceless. First, my dad was surprised but then he looked at me in a way I knew he loved it, which made me even happier.
Oh and I also got three more brush pens to add to my collection what makes me really happy too.
My new brush pens
My collection of brush pens
Lots of Love
Just A Blank Space
(If you liked this post maybe you want to check out one of my old posts called The Moment I Found The True Me)
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Recently one of my friends and one of the guys who bullied me became a couple. My friend knows that he bullied me and she actually asked me if I am OK with them being a couple. I was really surprised she asked me that because we are not that close. I told her that I have no reason to be against them being together. As long as he is nice to her I don’t have a problem with it.
Today she came up to me and told me that she asked him what happened back then. Continue reading
So it is half past midnight right now and considering that I got up at 5 am this morning and was tired all day I am pretty surprised I am still not asleep. I told you guys that I love twenty one pilots and I was just watching interviews of them on YouTube. In one of them Tyler explained what the album blurry face is about. He said it is about a characters insecurities and how he deals with it. This made me think about my own insecurities.
Whatever I do I always feel like I am not good enough. Continue reading
Knowing you is the worst
I would rather die of thirst
But you will never see
What you really did to me
Your words cut deeper than a knife
They destroyed my whole life
I’m broken apart Continue reading
wait dear doesn’t seem to be the right word for you after all you have done to me. You may not even know because I never told you. You may not even have thought about how much your words hurt me back then. Let me tell you. You basically destroyed me. There was no day where I didn’t hide in my room crying because of you. There was no day where I didn’t wonder if I am worth to be alive. Sometimes I wondered if you would notice what you have done to me if I wasn’t there anymore. I was so close to give up my fight. Luckily I have an awesome family. If it wasn’t for them nothing would have changed. I am still afraid of you. Did you know that? I haven’t talk to you for about two years now but every time I see you I feel pain inside. I want to run away and hide like I used to but I have grown now. I have done things you will never do. I have experienced things you will never experience. I probably have more people who care about me, who love me for who I am than you. I know you only hurt me because I have what you whish for. A family who loves me.
Having to be around you in school every day was hard but it made me who I am. Continue reading
I just came home from driving school and something happened that I wanted to tell you. One of the boys that used to bully me before I went to the United States came in and my heart just stopped pounding. Something made me feel really uncomfortable and insecure. I was afraid of him and I don’t even know why. I haven’t even talked to him for about almost two years now. I felt like something took me back in time. Because I am myself I wrote a little poem what helped me to deal with the situation.
I am insecure
what I should do
when I see you.
You make me feel
like I am not worth
to be alive