I Am Running Out Of Words

There are so many things I want to write about but I just can’t form them into words. For the last couple of months many things happened. I wanted to write about them but it just didn’t seem right. I tried to form the words in my head but I couldn’t.

The stress and problems with my english teacher, the pressure I put on myself because I want to get good grades, me not having any clue about what I want to do after I graduate next year  and whole situation at home with my parents. Especially this one fight of them. They never got into a fight like this before. For a moment I thought that this was it. That they are never going to talk again. Luckily that didn’t happen but the fight seems to be stuck in my head. It haunts me. Whenever I hear my parents talk it comes back. I have never been this afraid to lose them.

I wanted to write about all of this right after it happened but I just couldn’t write it down. It still seems wrong right now. I feel like I can’t find the right words.

All of this makes it sound like I have a horrible life, which I don’t. There are many moments in which I feel nothing but happiness. In which everything seems perfect and in which I am thankful for all the things I have.

I don’t know why but I for some reason I am not able to write about all of this. It used to be so easy and I would write everyday but now I just keep staring at blank pages for hours. Maybe I am running out of words.

Lots of Love

Just A Blank Space

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Why I Talk So Much

Hello.jpgI am standing next to you, in front of you, close to you. Trying to be like you. Trying to act like you. Trying to be like everyone else, but inside I cringe because I don’t feel comfortable at all. Socializing seems so wrong because all I can think of is how you will hate me anyways. All I want is to be alone.

I am scared of doing something wrong and start to talk. I can’t stop to talk because this way no one seems to notice how confused and misplaced I feel. And whenever someone makes a comment about how much I talk I cry inside because there is nothing else to distract me from my fear. Silence makes it even worse all I have are my never stopping words.

I didn’t choose to feel this way and I hate it every day. But I hide it from the world. Every night I go to bed telling myself this needs to stop. I tell myself tomorrow I won’t talk that much. And when I escape in my books or in my writing all of you come up to me. Why don’t you notice that I just want to be alone?

And none of you will ever know about that because I locked all of those feelings away. I locked them in a place you will never get to. Where no one will ever get to.

Lots of Love

Just A Blank Space

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Here I Am. Crying Because I Miss You

Here I Am Crying.jpg

You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place

Nothing could describe my situation better like this quote does. My German buddy from the US wrote that in my book, everyone wrote in before I left. I left June 4th 2015. Almost a year ago and now here I am. Sitting in my room crying because I want to go back. Crying over the words everyone wrote me to say goodbye. Crying because I miss my host family so much. Crying because I can’t afford a flight. Winnie Poo once said:

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard

And I am. I can’t even put it in words how thankful I am I got to know this awesome family. From the first second I felt like I was a part of their family. They are the most loving people I have ever met. How can I ever thank them for what they did for me? Nothing hurts more than knowing that I am not going to see them for a long time. I will end this post with the last words my host dad said to me before I left.

I love you

Just A Blank Space

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Stress

I had a appointment at the oculists because I feel like I need new glasses and I almost failed my vision test for my license. I was really excited to go because I feel like my vision is getting worse every day. But the weird thing is that they said my glasses are totally fine. I told them I was having troubles with my vision and they were confused. They said it is probably just stress.

I am tired of hearing that everything I have troubles with is caused by stress. Continue reading

The excitement of not knowing

As you already know I spent the weekend telling future exchange students about my year abroad and giving them some advice. Doing that I realized something.

The thing I miss the most about being an exchange student is the excitement of not knowing where you are going  and not knowing what to expect. The excitement of doing so many new things. I wish I could feel this excitement again. I have been thinking of spending a couple months as a development aid volunteer in Africa after I graduated school for quite some time now. Since I am graduating in more than two years I will not be able to do that in the near future and who knows what I will dream of in those two years.

Lots of Love

Just A Blanks Space

Bend It Like Beckham

Today we watched the movie Bend It Like Beckham in English Class(I also had my exam today and I had to write an email to a British friend and I addressed it to elm 🙂 I don’t know why I just felt like it). Well I liked the movie. Sadly we couldn’t finish it because of the lack of time and I couldn’t wait to watch the end so I just watched it now. I don’t want to spoiler you so if you haven’t seen it don’t read further. In one of the last scenes Jess and her friend (I already forgot her name) say good bye to their families at the airport. I don’t know why but during that scene I just started to cry. I couldn’t hold back my tears. I am glad that didn’t happen in school though. I just miss the US a lot too and scenes like that make me cry every time. I want to go back to Utah so bad an visit everyone but I just can’t afford it. I miss my host family and all my host cousins so much. It is like being homesick. Yesterday I walked through the place I used to live on google street view because I somehow felt like doing that.

Have a nice day and lots of love

Just A Blank Space